


And I never knew how to say goodbye

by charlestonIguess



Series: Marauders drabbles [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Marauder's Era, Suicide Attempt, communication issues, hinted relationship, post prank, would you boys sort your fucking lives out, you are a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2016-01-14
Packaged: 2018-05-13 23:08:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5720443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlestonIguess/pseuds/charlestonIguess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Prank. Remus should have realised that Sirius' worst enemy was always himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And I never knew how to say goodbye

“Sirius is the brightest star in the sky.”

Remus looked at James as he spoke, the cold night’s air causing him to shiver and pull his jacket closer. He didn’t complain though, because he knew his friend needed to talk, even if the Astronomy Tower was a horrible place to be after curfew in early December.

James fell silent again, as he had been for the last ten minutes since they took up their posts, seated in the centre of the floor, staring at the sky, so Remus went back to stargazing. His mother had been a stargazer, before he was bitten, and he’d found her books on the subject – hidden away, so as not to hurt his feelings, or something – and read them once, twice, three times. He knew the constellations and stars by name, could trace the patterns in the sky, loved them because if he were up there, with them, one of those planets, well – would the moon affect him? Could it affect him?

It was all a fantasy – he knew that. But still, he didn’t want to let go of it.

His eye’s found Orion’s Belt and then – then they fell on Sirius, the Dog Star and – as James had rightly said – the brightest star in the sky.

Sirius had always been the brightest metaphorical star in Remus’ life – until recently. Until he’d betrayed him and torn apart their friendship.

Remus thought he might have been a tad dramatic, but then the angry voice rose up in him and shouted that no, he was not dramatic, and that Sirius used him to try and kill someone. That was something he should _never_ forgive.

Though recently, Remus had been missing Sirius more than ever. It had been almost three months since their last exchange of words – the day after the incident, and Remus – well. Remus had been angry.

It had been the only time in the five years that the Marauders had known each other that any of them had ever heard Remus yell. He wasn’t one to lose control; he couldn’t take that risk. But when Sirius betrayed him… he had no choice. He couldn’t control the pain, the anger, the torment he felt every time he thought of it. And so he had exploded and he – _he_ , Remus Lupin – had hit him.

Disgusted at himself, he’d stormed out.

James told him later that Sirius didn’t say a word, other than refusing to let them heal it. He didn’t defend himself, or explain. He didn’t try and speak, and Remus was grateful and also angry. Didn’t he deserve an explanation? But then, what explanation could be offered?

James and Peter had sided with Remus, of course. There was no question, and Sirius didn’t ask forgiveness. Something told Remus that his old friend didn’t feel he deserved it.

_Which was true_.

But Remus had slowly let go of his anger. Who was it who said that holding onto anger was like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die? Buddha. He was right, of course. Clever guy, Buddha. But he still couldn’t forgive Sirius for betraying him. It wasn’t something small, like asking out a girl he liked or something – this was his entire life. He had placed his trust in Sirius’ hands and he’d – he’d thrown it back in his face.

And it still hurt, even if he wasn’t angry anymore. The thing was, he just couldn’t trust anymore. It was too scary. He was supposed to be brave – supposed to be a Gryffindor, but he… couldn’t. He just couldn’t. He was too tired, too afraid to try and make things better.

But he had watched Sirius, and that was how he had let go of the anger. And the thing that had really made him stop hating the other boy? It was how Sirius was so angry at himself. How he was punishing _himself_.

He didn’t need Remus to punish him when he couldn’t stop punishing himself.

It started off obviously enough; Sirius avoided being anywhere the Marauders might be, including the dorm they shared and the Great Hall during meals. Of course, he couldn’t avoid lessons entirely, but he sat as far away from them as possible, not even looking at them. He fell silent. He stopped pranking, stopped chatting, stopped flirting and laughing. He grew pale and thin and had purple marks under his eyes, making Remus think that the black eye lingered long after it had gone. He seemed… lifeless.

Remus had tried to ignore him at first, throwing him into his OWL year with a ferocity that had been applauded by the teachers and worried over by his friends. But even his work couldn’t stop him from noticing Sirius’ absence, of how he never seemed to be in the dorm, of how his clothes hung from his body worryingly. He couldn’t stop noticing the vivacity fading from his friend, as much as he wished he could.

He had to stop thinking about this.

Pulling his jacket closer, he sat up straight, turning to look at James expectantly. “So what did you want to talk about, Prongs?”

James turned to look at his friend, his hand moving automatically to ruffle his hair, a nervous trait that set Remus on edge. He wasn’t about to like this.

“Well,” he said finally. “I – I’ve been thinking. I – well – we need to talk.”

Remus withheld a sigh and said patiently, “Yes, James. That’s what we’re doing. Talking. It’s when two people are together and they speak, normally alternately-”

“Ha, ha,” James said sarcastically. “Will you shut up? This is important.”

Remus sighed, but subsided and sat, watching his friend work up the courage to say whatever he needed to say. When he was just about to say something, James said, “Okay. We need to talk about Sirius.”

Remus sighed. “I had a feeling it might be that,” he admitted. “Go ahead.”

James was looking at him apologetically, chewing on his bottom lip in worry, but took that as encouragement. “Look, you have every right to still be mad at him, and I totally support that. I mean, what he did was completely unforgivable, and I – that is to say, he’s, uh… I understand why you’re angry-”

“James, I’m not mad.” Remus cut him off, running a hand through his hair. “I was,” he said, forestalling his friend’s protest. “But – well. I stopped being angry a long time ago. Now I’m just… I can’t trust him anymore. I’m still upset. It still hurts. But I can’t be mad at him when he’s still punishing himself.”

Though the honesty surprised Remus, James looked relieved. “You’re not? Oh, thank Merlin. I thought you were going to _kill_ me for talking about this, but – it’s just – I mean, have you seen him lately? He’s a mess.”

“Yeah,” Remus agreed quietly, turning his eyes back onto the star. “I guess he is.”

James was silent for a minute. It was as if he were trying to find the words, so Remus just let him stay quiet and waited patiently. The star was a constant light above him and he sighed quietly as it shone down on the pair.

“Remus,” James said. “I’m not saying you should forgive him. You have the right to make up your own mind. But I need to tell you some things. The – the reason Sirius did what he did is… well, he was protecting you.”

“Protecting me?” Remus interjected. “Protecting me? How on earth was he-”

“Snape found out about you.”

Remus laughed. “Well, so what? He knew anyway? So Sirius thought he should just _kill_ him and use me-”

“Not that about you,” James muttered. “About… about how you… kiss boys.”

“What?!” Remus’ voice was choked and he spun around to look at James so quickly that his neck hurt. _How did he know?_

James looked uncomfortable, but shrugged. “I… Okay. I talked to Sirius.” He stopped, looking like he expected to be hit, but Remus said nothing and only waited for his friend to carry on and explain how on earth he knew that he – that he – had… _gay tendencies._ That’s how he put it in his head, anyway.

When Remus said nothing, James rushed on. “Well, he told me that Snape saw you kissing Gideon Prewett and that he threatened to tell everyone unless Sirius told him your secret and so he – well, it was a snap decision – but he decided to just… kill him.”

Remus groaned and dropped his head into his hands. “And that’s supposed to make me feel better? Not only does Snape know I’m a werewolf, but he also knows I’m _gay_.”

James coughed, so far out of his comfort zone, but just said, “I know – but, well. You deserve to know. Sirius wanted me to tell you-”

“I don’t care what Sirius wants to tell me!” Remus was shouting now, on his feet, and he had no idea where that came from. He really didn’t know why he was suddenly _so angry_ that it killed him. “I don’t care, James! I _hate_ him. He – he is the last person I would ever trust and if I never see him again, I might live my life happily!”

James was standing too, looking sad and hurt and confused and for a second Remus felt sorry for shouting, but that disappeared within a second. He was too angry.

“Don’t be like that, Remus,” James said. “We just need to talk-”

“To _talk_? You want me to talk? What about? About how I trusted that _boy_ – that I put my life in his hands and he handed it over to his worst enemy without _thought_?” Where the tears that were filling his eyes came from, Remus did not know.

“Remus, please.” James was begging now, staring at his friend desperately. “You _need_ him, Moony. I know how angry you are – I hate him too. But we both love him and – and he’s killing himself over this. Please, Remus.”

“What – what do you mean?” Remus asked, his anger derailed at the strange route his friend was taking.

“Haven’t you seen him?” James shot back, raising his eyebrows as if it were obvious. “He never eats, never sleeps. He’s thinner now than he ever was, even after he comes back from being locked up with that banshee all summer. He never goes to meals – he’s starving himself, just because you won’t look at him. I’m not asking you to forgive him, Remus, but – please. For the friend we _used_ to have, please – just – help him. He-” James broke off and Remus realised vaguely that he was crying, that James Potter was crying, real tears, and that was so strange because – well, James didn’t cry, did he? That was for girls and poofs, and he wasn’t one of them.

“He’s my best friend, Remus,” James whispered. “And I found him – I found him lying in a pool of his own blood yesterday. He can’t live without you.”

Remus staggered as if James had physically hit him and sat down heavily, his blurry eyes finding Sirius with ease. He had noticed the boy’s absence from classes yesterday and today, but… well, he hadn’t thought…

“Is he going to be okay?” he asked, not entirely able to understand why he cared. But then, he couldn’t understand how he could _not_ care either.

“Yeah,” James said, crouching beside his friend, wiping the tears from his face. “I got to him in time. Pomfrey – well. She had to send a letter home. He’s going home for Christmas, but begged not to be sent back earlier. The professors are all really worried about him.”

Remus was dizzy, but he stood up anyway. “I – is he – in the hospital wing?”

“Yeah,” James said. “He should be asleep-”

“I have to see him,” Remus whispered, his heart beating double time as he blindly turned to the stairs and began to run down them, tripping and nearly killing himself a couple of times. Merlin, that would be ironic, wouldn’t it? Killing himself as he tried to reach a friend to save them from killing themselves…

Because that was what Sirius was. A friend. Despite all his faults and failings, despite his utter thoughtlessness and irritating qualities, Sirius Black was Remus’ dearest friend. And he was loyal enough to kill himself over failing his friend. Remus couldn’t stay mad at him when he was so desperate. He had to – he had to be there, be with him. He needed to hold his hand and keep him close. He had to protect him – even if he was three months too late.

Okay, so he may have still been mad. Okay, he may have not forgiven his friend yet. But now he did – now he really did. It didn’t matter anymore, not in the light of how Sirius was feeling.

He ran through the corridors, heedless of it being after curfew, with James just behind him, trying to get him to slow down and get under the cloak. Remus ignored him until he tripped over a suit of armour and heard Filch two corridors away from them, asking, “Who’s there?” in his bitter, old-man voice.

“James! Cloak!” Remus hissed.

James sighed, but held his tongue as he pulled the cloak over the two of them. He grasped Remus’ arm and pulled him slower, hissing, “Slow down or we’ll be seen.”

Remus sighed but gave in, walking rather than running. They were hardly two corridors from the Hospital Wing now, so it wouldn’t take him that long, even if it was getting difficult to walk under the cloak with the two of them now they were getting bigger and clumsier.

“Down here,” James muttered. “Sirius is the only one there at the moment, but we don’t want to wake Pomfrey up-”

“You deal with her,” Remus snapped. “I – just-“

“Yeah,” James agreed quietly. “I know. Don’t worry.” They reached the door and James pushed it open. They slipped inside.

Remus’ head turned to the end of the room, where a single bed was hidden behind drawn curtains; the rest were empty and he knew that his friend lay there.

The cloak fell to his feet as he shrugged it off and made his way quietly to the end of the ward. He wore rubber soles, so the only sound really was the sound of his breathing – nervous and shaky. He hated that.

He reached the curtain and lifted a hand to draw it back, only to have it grabbed by James. “Are – are you sure-?”

“Yeah,” Remus muttered. “I – have to see him, James.”

“I know,” James muttered. “But he doesn’t – he doesn’t look good right now, Moony. He’s… he’s not himself.”

“None of us are ourselves at the moment, James,” Remus found himself snapping. “And it’s – it’s my fault he’s here-”

“No,” James said. “It’s not! It’s all of ours – and Snape’s – and not _you_.” He sounded desperate and hurt and confused and Remus wondered if he sounded the same. But he shrugged his friend’s hand off of him and pulled back the curtain.

_Sirius_.

The body on the bed was rail thin. His skin was so pale it blended in with the hospital sheets he was wrapped in. Sirius lay on his side, mouth slightly open and hair sticking to his skin. His wrists – one of which was in sight, bent up beside his face – were wrapped in bandages.

Remus sat beside the bed with a thump, staring at his friend. The boy on the bed didn’t stir, even though Remus’ entrance had hardly been silent. James stepped up beside him and touched Remus’ shoulder gently.

“We should let him sleep,” he muttered and Remus nodded but didn’t move. “Moony…”

“I’ll stay,” he found himself whispering, unable to look away from Sirius’ sleeping form. “I need to stay.”

James hesitated, clearly torn, but finally let his hand drop from Remus’ shoulder. “I’ll come back for you at breakfast, okay?” he said. “Don’t – don’t beat yourself up. It’s not your fault.”

“Mm,” Remus agreed absently. He was vaguely aware of James leaving quietly, but still didn’t look away from Sirius.

He didn’t look away all night.

Not until Sirius opened his eyes and looked right back at him. After all that had changed between them, one thing remained: Sirius’ eyes were always the brightest stars Remus saw.


End file.
